paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
