Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
