So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
