in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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