just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
