can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
