At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
