Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
