the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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