I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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