Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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