Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
