My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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