Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
