Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The ass gains better be worth it
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