So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
