If that was your dad, he is hot
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
