just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
