I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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