Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
