I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
