So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
