Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
