I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
