I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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