im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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