The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
