I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
