Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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