are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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