OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
