you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
