he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
