she looked like the bat from fern gully.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
