p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
