I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
