i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
