If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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