11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
accomplished twins. life is a go
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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