Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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