I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
and you fell through a lawn chair
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
