My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
