if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
