If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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