Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
