yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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