I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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