Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
