i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
