so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
