It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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